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Return to nest can test young adults, parents

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When kids come back

According to a national survey of more than 1,000 U.S. parents and children ages 18 to 39, 40 percent of the young adults live (or recently lived) at home.

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By The Sacramento Bee

Published: Friday, April 19, 2013, 6:27 p.m.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — When Cassidy Myers moved back home last summer, the 24-year-old college graduate and her parents figured it'd be a matter of weeks — three months, max — until she landed a job.

Seven months later, despite dozens of job leads, numerous emailed resumes and plenty of parental encouragement, there was no job in sight.

Her parents despaired. So did Cassidy, who had worked two years for a San Diego nonprofit.

“Going from working 180 miles per hour every day to being home and going two miles an hour was a big adjustment. It was not easy,” said the journalism major, whose job hunt focused on athletic companies, health/fitness firms and college sports programs.

For her parents, Jodie and Chuck Myers, there was another kind of tension.

“There's the ginormous, silent, burdensome, omnipresent elephant in the room: the money thing,” Jodie Myers said.

Like many baby boomer parents, the couple face financial stresses of their own — Jodie's part-time work as a court reporter has dried up, their home value has “tanked” and Chuck's education technology sales income is solid but unpredictable. Not to mention paying for their two daughters' Catholic high school educations and their out-of-state college tuitions.

The Myers' family situation isn't exactly news. In recent years, a lackluster job market has driven thousands of young adults — even “kids” in their 50s — back home to live with Mom and Dad. Between 2005 and 2011, the number of men ages 25 to 34 living with their parents increased from 14 percent to 19 percent, according to the Census Bureau. During that time, women in the same age bracket living at home increased from 8 percent to 10 percent. That's 4 million men and 2 million women back home with their parents.

“Many adult children are going to the ‘Bank of Mom and Dad' for money for loans, to get them out of a hole or to get started. Or they're going to the ‘Mom & Dad Extended Suites' (moving back home),” said Eleanor Blayney, consumer advocate for the Certified Financial Planner Board in Washington.

But these so-called “boomerang kids” are moving back as Mom and Dad are often facing financial setbacks of their own, from underwater mortgages to upended retirements to joblessness.

How do families tackle the emotional, financial and day-to-day realities of co-existing again under one roof? It's a delicate dance.

Coexist as equals

First, parents have to accept that their children are not kids anymore, but adults in their own right. They can abide by parents' rules while living under their roof, but there will be far less tension if everyone treats one another as adults.

Bobbi Knapp, a retired nurse, has had a son in his 20s and a daughter in her 30s move back for short periods while trying to reboot their careers.

Knapp said she learned one critical lesson: “They're adults. It's very different than when they were living here under (age) 18. They don't need my unsolicited advice just because I think I know better. If they need my advice, they'll ask.”

Get it in writing

As awkward as it sounds, when adult children move home, financial experts recommend putting some guidelines on paper, such as how long they'll stay, what chores they'll help with, and touchy topics such as overnight friends, late-night hours, drinking and smoking.

“It is really important to sit down and put something in writing,” said Christina Newberry, a Vancouver, Canada-based author and founder of AdultChildrenLivingAtHome.com . “When families end up in conflict, it's not because anyone is trying to cause problems, but parents (can) end up feeling taken advantage of.”

As part of her “Under One Roof” contract, Newberry recommends an exit plan. Say, six months or “a reasonable amount of time” to finding a self-supporting job. Have some milestones laid out: a certain number of many interviews, returning to graduate school, part-time Starbucks job to get over the hump.

And one of Newberry's key points: Mom doesn't do laundry. “Anyone who has been to college or is 18 years old is capable of doing their own laundry. Anything else is enabling.”

To charge or not to charge

For many parents, the idea is ridiculous: charging your own children rent? But financial experts say adult kids should contribute something, whether it's cash toward the family's monthly expenses or household help with chores, from grocery shopping to dinner cleanup.

“It's partly so they get in the routine of having monthly payments. But it's also beneficial for their self-esteem to feel they're contributing to the household,” said Newberry.

Too often, adult children aren't aware of their financial impact. “They think it's free for their parents,” she said, but don't recognize the added expense of food, electricity, insurance, not to mention postponements to home improvements, vacations or other expenses.

It they can't contribute cash, adult children can contribute their time, especially for jobs that parents otherwise might pay for, such as computer consulting, house painting, yardwork, car washing.

 

 
 


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