Blogger of Suri Cruise satire dishes in new book

| Thursday, Oct. 4, 2012, 9:03 p.m.

Forget TMZ.

The paparazzi? Oh, please.

When it comes to their kids, Hollywood stars and reality-show celebrities have a new nemesis: Suri Cruise.

The made-up persona of the 6-year-old daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise has been critiquing the lifestyles, behavior and fashion dos and don'ts of her fellow celebrity progeny. And, she is, frankly, appalled at what she sees.

“Suri Cruise” dishes the dirt in her new book, “Suri's Burn Book: Well-Dressed Commentary From Hollywood's Little Sweetheart” (Running Press, $12.95).

“Proceeds will go to the ‘Help Violet Affleck Dress Better' Charity Fund,” writes this pint-size Joan Rivers about her book. “Ha ha, just kidding. There's not enough money in the world for that.”

Author Allie Hagan created the “Suri Cruise” persona as a way to give celebrity culture a well-deserved kick in the designer jeggings. She based the “Unauthorized” book on her popular blog,

“I knew that if I wrote it as myself, that it would come across as really, really mean and possibly as kind of creepy,” she says.

Her creation of “Suri” shows no mercy when it comes to the peccadillos and hair-don'ts of the diaper set.

Some friendly advice for Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin: Keep this book away from your daughter, Apple Blythe Allison Martin, unless you want to spend years paying for her therapy.

A Suri sampling:

• When assessing the hairstyle of Harper Seven Beckham, the toddler daughter of David and Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham: “With the curls hanging down in the back, it's a little bit redneck Pebbles Flintstone.”

• On Snooki's baby, Lorenzo, who was only 6 days old when his photo appeared on the cover of People magazine: “What happened to mystery and subterfuge and … waiting until the baby looks less like canned pumpkin?”

• She gives grudging approval to Tabitha and Loretta Broderick, twin daughters of Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker: “I'm impressed by how well Tabitha and Loretta Broderick dress themselves, considering their mother is such a granny mess. Way to break the cycle, ladies. I did it, too, and it's harder than it looks.”

The book includes 100 candid photos to illustrate her point.

Hagan, who lives in Washington, D.C., is shielded from legal action since Suri Cruise is a public figure, and the book and blog obviously are satirical.

“The point of the book is just humor,” she says. “It's not supposed to be any big life-changing thing. If it makes people laugh, I'll be very happy.

Hagan says she's not out to trash the Tinseltown tykes so much the ridiculous obsession with whatever set of Ralph Lauren overalls they happen to be wearing at the time.

“I actually think their lives are probably a lot more normal than their parents get credit for,” she says. “You read crazy stories like Shiloh Jolie Pitt is negotiating with the tooth fairy. “

She says she's haven't heard from any of the celebrities whose offspring appear in the book. That includes Suri's famous parents.

“Some people ask me what I would do if I met Suri Cruise, which I think is funny, because she's 6 years old. We don't have very much in common.”

Chapters in the book include “Celebrity Dynasties: The Modern-Day Feudal System,” “Celebrities I'm Over Already” and “Cliques I'm Not In.”

The book might not be that farfetched. Somewhere, some celebrity is looking at their toddler, who they named after a state and a legume.

“You know, Idaho Cashew Kardashian,” they're saying, “I'll bet you could write a book just as good as Suri's.”

William Loeffler is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at or 412-320-7986.

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