TribLIVE

| Lifestyles

 
Larger text Larger text Smaller text Smaller text | Order Photo Reprints

Hax: Aunt asks reader to get cousin to admit she has a drinking problem

Email Newsletters

Click here to sign up for one of our email newsletters.

Daily Photo Galleries

By Carolyn Hax
Sunday, Aug. 24, 2014, 9:00 p.m.
 

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Hi, Carolyn:

My aunt and uncle have just enlisted me to help their 24-year-old daughter, “Sarah,” who lives in my city, about 2,000 miles from them. Apparently, over the holidays, Sarah talked frequently about all her favorite bars, hid alcohol in her room and came off the plane drunk. Her mom called me, hysterically crying.

I reached out to Sarah and we're getting brunch this weekend. I'm torn how to approach this. I think my aunt is predisposed to viewing alcohol as evil; she is the adult child of an alcoholic.

I drank a lot when I was Sarah's age and it caused me no ill effects. It was just part of my social scene, as I'm sure it's part of hers. (I'm now married in my early 30s).

But I do think my aunt's description was worrying. She's asking me to get Sarah to “admit she has a problem.” How do I navigate this?

— Cousin

By saying to Auntie that you will make an effort to be in Sarah's life, so that if she is in trouble — with alcohol or anything else — she will have family nearby to lean on.

However, you won't, nor is it your place to, nor will it be effective to, “get” Sarah to admit or do anything. Just by asking this of you, Auntie betrays a need for a visit to Al-anon.

Use this brunch to enjoy Sarah's company and, again, strengthen the tie, if Sarah is game to. That better satisfies your aunt's objectives than would talking about her drinking — unless Sarah brings it up.

Also, please don't lean too hard on your experience with alcohol when interpreting Sarah's. Two people can have identical behaviors and get dramatically different results. The only experience that explains Sarah is Sarah's.

Re: Al-anon:

I'm wondering if you can provide the Cliff's Notes version of the takeaway from Al-Anon.

I have a good friend who's trying to drag his 80-year-old mother into therapy with him because she doesn't treat him very well. It's painful to watch him beat his head against that particular wall, but suggesting he find a place of acceptance just prompts him to reel off a list of her transgressions that he “just can't accept.”

A good friend of mine and longtime AA member suggested Al-Anon might be good for him, but he kind of brushes off the suggestion, without knowing really anything about what they do.

— Anonymous

The takeaway: You can't change people, you can change only the way you respond to them.

So, the point of going is to learn to let go of the impulse to control people, and let go of the belief that you can fix a problem by changing someone else's behavior.

It applies not just with people like your friend who are trying to get something from someone unwilling or unable to give it; it also helps if you're just worried about someone to the point that it preoccupies you. It's about letting go of the control people have over you.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.

Subscribe today! Click here for our subscription offers.

 

 


Show commenting policy

Most-Read Stories

  1. Steelers trying to get missing defensive pieces on field
  2. In reworking contract, Steelers WR Brown gets hefty pay raise
  3. Cole struggles as Brewers continue Miller mastery over Pirates
  4. Steelers running back eager to prove he can help bridge gap to Bell
  5. 22-month-old boy shot, killed in North Side; stepfather charged
  6. Student violinist,Valley School of Ligonier reach settlement
  7. Youngstown State looking for repeat performance against Pitt
  8. Western Pa. played role, was transformed by victory in World War II
  9. Allegheny County CYF worker arrest on child pornography charges
  10. Pirates notebook: 6 September call-ups include first-timer Diaz
  11. Alleged Mon Valley heroin trafficker arrested