By Tom Purcell
Published: Saturday, Oct. 27, 2012, 8:53 p.m.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad phones President Obama's private line. Obama answers.
“Why are you calling me, Ahmadinejad? You know we're not ready for one-on-one talks.”
“But Mahmoud and the mullahs worried about American election! We worry Obama will lose!”
“I'm not going to lose, you nut job. People love me here. I give them other people's money.”
“But Mahmoud think Romney use Iran to score big points in debate. He scare people into thinking Iran developing nuclear weapons and that you not do enough to stop us!”
“That's not true. My sanctions are killing your economy and if anyone knows how to slow an economy, I'm your guy.”
“But Romney threaten to make Iran sanctions worse. Mahmoud and the mullahs fear he will block American cable TV just as ‘Dancing with Stars' getting good.”
“Romney isn't as tough as I am. I killed Osama bin Laden.”
“Here's what really worries Mahmoud: Romney threaten to indict me under United Nations genocide convention for my threats to eliminate Israel. Mahmoud like Obama much better.”
“You like me! If you don't stop the development of nuclear weaponry, I'm going to be your worst nightmare.”
“But Romney is Republican like those crazy Bush presidents. The Bushes say they will attack Middle East and then do — three times!”
“Yeah, well, when I'm in a second term and don't have to run again, you better give up nuke production or I'll really let you have it. I have Israel's back, buddy.”
“But Obama not visit Israel. You visit other countries in region. While in other countries, you say America has been arrogant and dismissive. You say America has made its share of mistakes. Mahmoud like such words!”
“You're quoting me out of context, you zealot. I was merely trying to distance myself from the reckless policies of my predecessor.”
“Mahmoud really like how Obama sit on sidelines when uprising break out in Iran. Obama let Mahmoud and mullahs squash protesters before they succeed. Mahmoud like that!”
“You better watch your step or I will squash you.”
“Mahmoud more worried that Romney squash Iran. Mahmoud fear that Obama's policies in Middle East make him look weak — that Obama olive branch is backfiring and that Middle East hate America just as much as ever.”
“Not true. My charm is working on the people there. It takes time, but they'll come around.”
“But radicals kill your ambassador in Libya. Violence breaking out all over. Al-Qaida is far from dead. Obama appeasement policies no seem to be working. No wonder American voters think Obama lack respect, which allows Mahmoud and the mullahs to keep building nuclear weapon. That's why Mahmoud want to help Obama!”
“Help me? How can a crazed half-dictator help me?”
“First, Mahmoud cut deal with tough dictators and shady leaders from around world. They all endorse Obama in public now — not good for Obama image. So Mahmoud persuade them to NOT endorse you.”
“What are you talking about, you madman?”
“Mahmoud get Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to complain about Obama being hard on him, then he break down crying on TV!”
“Then Russian President Vladimir Putin go on TV and say you negotiate too tough and get the better of him.”
“Then Mahmoud complain that Iran can't take tough Obama sanctions anymore and Iran finally give up nuclear bomb ambitions!”
“Nice try, Ahmadinejad, but you have a long history of mistruths and exaggerations. How can I trust that you will do what you say you will do?”
“Funny, but Mahmoud wonder very same thing about Obama.”
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