TribLIVE

| Opinion/The Review


 
Larger text Larger text Smaller text Smaller text | Order Photo Reprints

Waldo could learn a thing or two from Mayor Luke Ravenstahl

Daily Photo Galleries

Friday, April 19, 2013, 12:01 a.m.
 

PITTSBURGH BUREAU OF POLICE

Missing Person Report

(Please complete entire form)

R eport being filed by: City of Pittsburgh

Filer's address: Southwestern Pennsylvania

Filer's occupation: Charming mid-sized metropolitan area

Relationship with missing person: Strained

Missing person's name: Luke Ravenstahl

Address: (Redacted)

Occupation: Lame duck, mail-it-in Pittsburgh mayor

Date of disappearance: Essentially March 1, when Ravenstahl abruptly abandoned his re-election campaign. He surfaced briefly on March 20 to announce the city was challenging the tax-exempt status of colossal medical conglomerate UPMC but since then scrupulously has avoided scheduled public appearances like the late reclusive author J.D. Salinger once shunned Barnes & Noble book signings.

Does missing person have any identifying scars or marks? In explaining why he intends to leave the mayor's office, Ravenstahl implied that the inescapable and unwarranted scrutiny that perplexingly goes with the job left him emotionally scarred and unable to kick back and fully enjoy the position's bling and cameo appearances in blockbuster “Batman” movies. Does that count?

Has missing person recently exhibited any odd behavior: Besides ending his campaign barely a week after formally announcing it and then vanishing from the public eye? Or having aides guard the details of his schedule with the secrecy usually associated with nuclear weapon launch codes? No, not really.

Has missing person been the object of any previous searches? Yes, lots of times. But usually only when something important happens that requires the mayor's immediate attention.

If so, describe the search circumstances and resolution: The most notable search occurred during a February 2010 snowstorm that paralyzed Pittsburgh. The mayor was found celebrating his 30th birthday at a ski resort 60 miles outside the city, quelling initial fears that he might have perished in a tragic snow angel-making accident.

Does missing person have any existing medical conditions: Unknown, but it wouldn't be surprising to find that he suffers from a social anxiety disorder preventing him from fully relaxing in most public settings. Rare exceptions would include Steelers and Penguins pep rallies, photo opportunities with the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg, cameo appearances in blockbuster “Batman” movies and occasional get-togethers with a few close friends and bodyguards at certain North Shore nightspots.

Does missing person have any known enemies: Yes. Anyone who believes that an elected official drawing a $108,000 salary, even one planning to leave office in a matter of months, should be less prone to hibernation than Punxsutawney Phil.

Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or eheyl@tribweb.com.

 

 

 
 


Show commenting policy

Most-Read Stories

  1. Harrison woman dead in 3-car crash in Natrona Heights
  2. Pittsburgh City Council President officially cited for dumping trash on steps of South Side business
  3. Richland man sues over injuries suffered as bystander to police chase
  4. Police arrest 14-year-old in connection to bomb threats phoned in to South Hills schools
  5. Penguins send down pair, Bortuzzo practices
  6. Rape charges dropped against NY man, statute of limitations expired
  7. Duquesne Light workers find decomposing body
  8. Opposing defenses find success against Steelers by eschewing blitz
  9. Steelers looking for Spence to step up game at inside linebacker
  10. Unpaid August Wilson creditors seek help from judge
  11. County investigators determine fatal McKeesport fire started in living room
Subscribe today! Click here for our subscription offers.