Waldo could learn a thing or two from Mayor Luke Ravenstahl
PITTSBURGH BUREAU OF POLICE
Missing Person Report
(Please complete entire form)
Report being filed by: City of Pittsburgh
Filer's address: Southwestern Pennsylvania
Filer's occupation: Charming mid-sized metropolitan area
Relationship with missing person: Strained
Missing person's name: Luke Ravenstahl
Occupation: Lame duck, mail-it-in Pittsburgh mayor
Date of disappearance: Essentially March 1, when Ravenstahl abruptly abandoned his re-election campaign. He surfaced briefly on March 20 to announce the city was challenging the tax-exempt status of colossal medical conglomerate UPMC but since then scrupulously has avoided scheduled public appearances like the late reclusive author J.D. Salinger once shunned Barnes & Noble book signings.
Does missing person have any identifying scars or marks? In explaining why he intends to leave the mayor's office, Ravenstahl implied that the inescapable and unwarranted scrutiny that perplexingly goes with the job left him emotionally scarred and unable to kick back and fully enjoy the position's bling and cameo appearances in blockbuster “Batman” movies. Does that count?
Has missing person recently exhibited any odd behavior: Besides ending his campaign barely a week after formally announcing it and then vanishing from the public eye? Or having aides guard the details of his schedule with the secrecy usually associated with nuclear weapon launch codes? No, not really.
Has missing person been the object of any previous searches? Yes, lots of times. But usually only when something important happens that requires the mayor's immediate attention.
If so, describe the search circumstances and resolution: The most notable search occurred during a February 2010 snowstorm that paralyzed Pittsburgh. The mayor was found celebrating his 30th birthday at a ski resort 60 miles outside the city, quelling initial fears that he might have perished in a tragic snow angel-making accident.
Does missing person have any existing medical conditions: Unknown, but it wouldn't be surprising to find that he suffers from a social anxiety disorder preventing him from fully relaxing in most public settings. Rare exceptions would include Steelers and Penguins pep rallies, photo opportunities with the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg, cameo appearances in blockbuster “Batman” movies and occasional get-togethers with a few close friends and bodyguards at certain North Shore nightspots.
Does missing person have any known enemies: Yes. Anyone who believes that an elected official drawing a $108,000 salary, even one planning to leave office in a matter of months, should be less prone to hibernation than Punxsutawney Phil.
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or email@example.com.
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