Naked truth about college
NEWS ITEM: An unidentified Carnegie Mellon University student is sparking controversy and criticism after photos surfaced of her dispensing condoms at a school parade wearing only papal apparel from the waist up.
“Hello, dear. Great to finally have you home again for the weekend. How are things at CMU?”
“Couldn't be better, Mom. I just debuted my first performance art piece during the university's Anti-Gravity Downhill Derby, and it's getting an incredible amount of attention! I'm calling it ‘Sacrilegious Sophomore Stripping Away Papal Pretentions.'”
“That sounds interesting, dear. Do you get to wear a nice costume like you did when you appeared in your high school production of ‘The Pajama Game?' ”
“Sort of. I wanted to dress as the pope, but I could only find the top half of the costume in the vestments aisle at Party City. So I decided to improvise and go nude below the waist.”
“Really, dear? Why? Didn't you have a pair of clean jeans?”
“Sure I did, Mom. But as an artist I strive to be provocative, and a pair of True Religions aren't nearly as provocative as coed frontal nudity.”
“Maybe, dear. But I still think you should have worn something. You could have caught a bad cold.”
“You worry too much, Mom. Besides, the nudity allowed me to add the concept's pièce de résistance: I shaved my hair into the shape of a cross!”
“Your hair? That hair? In the shape of a ... cross?”
“Yes. I briefly considered a smiley face to serve as a counterpoint to all of the religious imagery, but ultimately I thought that it might distract from the message I wanted to convey.”
“And what message was that, dear? I'm a little fuzzy on that.”
“That I was planting the seeds of obtuse, offensive, but ultimately harmless religious imagery that could grow organically until it no longer belonged just to me, but also to the people the image lured into becoming performers in my piece.”
“Oh. Couldn't you have been fully dressed for that? You could have caught a cold.”
“You're missing the point, Mom. The seeds grew! The image now belongs to all of the media outlets who gave my performance the publicity I never dreamed it would attract. It belongs to Diocese of Pittsburgh Bishop David Zubik, who has publicly asked the university to discipline me. It belongs to the several national Catholic organizations protesting my actions. It belongs to university President Jared Cohon, who issued a public apology to anyone offended by what I did.”
“You brought all those people together? My goodness.”
“I wanted to make you and Dad proud of me, Mom. That's all I thought about during my Schick-sculpting.”
“We are proud, dear. I admit I was a bit confused about what you were trying to accomplish when you first started explaining this to me, but now it all makes sense. That $45,000 your father and I spent to send you to CMU this year has been worth every penny.”
“Thanks, Mom. Achoo!”
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Show commenting policy
TribLive commenting policy
You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.
We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.
While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.
We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers.
We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.
We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.
We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.
We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.
- Pirates notebook: Taillon headed for surgery, Richard traded
- City police investigate death in Squirrel Hill
- Russian winger Plotnikov could join Penguins in August
- Newest Penguin Kessel’s unique shot is what makes him so special
- Tiny black weevils booming in W.Pa.
- Ex-teammates say Kessel unfairly criticized
- Fun-seekers won’t let a Pittsburgh regatta without races get them down
- Hazlewood man shot in Homestead
- Connellsville, Mt. Pleasant fireworks postponed until Sunday
- Gameday: Pirates vs. Indians, July 4, 2015
- America’s path to freedom reflected in region’s numerous historic sites