Mother's Day could use man's touch
It's time to put some macho in Mother's Day.
Let's liberate this holiday hijacked by Hallmark. Mother's Day is unnecessarily awash in effete expressions of affection that no Quentin Tarantino fan would utter even if ordered to do so at gunpoint.
That's why Hooters should be applauded for attempting to inject some much-needed testosterone into Mother's Day. The restaurant chain, known more for its waitresses' push-up bras than its culinary quality, is offering moms a free meal with a purchased beverage on Sunday.
(Tip for sons considering this offer: If you take Mom to Hooters, avoid embarrassing her. Cast aside standard operating procedure and stare at the waitress's face when ordering.)
Hopefully, replacing mom's typical eggs benedict brunch in the Silver Spoon Tea and Muffin Club with Hooters' wings and fried pickles is the first step in integrating some guy culture into a day that mystifyingly lacks it. If suitable substitutes are found, we could phase out several of the day's girly elements without eroding mom's enjoyment.
Out: Greeting cards
They aren't a reliable gauge of how most people feel about their mothers. When you buy one, you essentially are saying, “Mom, I care so much about you that I picked out the first card with a dancing Snoopy I could find while in Rite-Aid waiting to pick up a prescription.”
In: Liquor store gift cards
They enable Mom to pour herself a comforting libation — or three — on lonely evenings when she ponders why she sees you only on Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas. No Snoopy card can compete with that warm feeling she'll have in her stomach before the Dewar's delivers the night's knockout punch.
Out: Cultural event tickets
Mom might love the symphony, opera and theatrical performances, but The Benedum can get boring if visited too often — maybe not for her, but definitely for you. Suggest Mother's Day entertainment alternatives. She's liable to enthusiastically agree to any other activity if you first bring up rappelling.
In: Pennsylvania Motor Speedway tickets
Don't just take Mom to the races. Prove to her how thoughtful you are by providing her with a pair of earplugs.
Sure, that bouquet of roses looks nice when the FTD guy delivers them. But within days, the petals curl and fall from the stems and water in the vase starts to smell of decay. Way to remind Mom of her mortality, Sport.
There's no better way to show Mom — and her neighbors — that you love her by setting off a box of silver sonic warheads in her honor as dusk falls on her special day. The rush from the pyrotechnics is far more life-affirming than flowers. Mom will feel alive. You will feel alive.
So will the people across the street diving for cover when the shell rockets misfire.
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or email@example.com.
Show commenting policy
TribLive commenting policy
You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.
We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.
While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.
We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers.
We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.
We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.
We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.
We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.
- Woman dead in three-car crash in Natrona Heights
- Duquesne Light workers find decomposing body
- Pittsburgh City Council President officially cited for dumping trash on steps of South Side business
- Penguins send down pair, Bortuzzo practices
- Steelers looking for Spence to step up game at inside linebacker
- Opposing defenses find success against Steelers by eschewing blitz
- State overseers reject Mayor Bill Peduto’s 2015 city budget
- Rape charges dropped against NY man, statute of limitations expired
- 550 W.Va. coal miners failed drug tests in two years
- Penguins forward Downie becoming a hit with teammates
- City suspending trash collection Tuesday to honor slain worker