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Mother's Day could use man's touch

| Saturday, May 11, 2013, 9:00 p.m.

It's time to put some macho in Mother's Day.

Let's liberate this holiday hijacked by Hallmark. Mother's Day is unnecessarily awash in effete expressions of affection that no Quentin Tarantino fan would utter even if ordered to do so at gunpoint.

That's why Hooters should be applauded for attempting to inject some much-needed testosterone into Mother's Day. The restaurant chain, known more for its waitresses' push-up bras than its culinary quality, is offering moms a free meal with a purchased beverage on Sunday.

(Tip for sons considering this offer: If you take Mom to Hooters, avoid embarrassing her. Cast aside standard operating procedure and stare at the waitress's face when ordering.)

Hopefully, replacing mom's typical eggs benedict brunch in the Silver Spoon Tea and Muffin Club with Hooters' wings and fried pickles is the first step in integrating some guy culture into a day that mystifyingly lacks it. If suitable substitutes are found, we could phase out several of the day's girly elements without eroding mom's enjoyment.

For example:

Out: Greeting cards

They aren't a reliable gauge of how most people feel about their mothers. When you buy one, you essentially are saying, “Mom, I care so much about you that I picked out the first card with a dancing Snoopy I could find while in Rite-Aid waiting to pick up a prescription.”

In: Liquor store gift cards

They enable Mom to pour herself a comforting libation — or three — on lonely evenings when she ponders why she sees you only on Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas. No Snoopy card can compete with that warm feeling she'll have in her stomach before the Dewar's delivers the night's knockout punch.

Out: Cultural event tickets

Mom might love the symphony, opera and theatrical performances, but The Benedum can get boring if visited too often — maybe not for her, but definitely for you. Suggest Mother's Day entertainment alternatives. She's liable to enthusiastically agree to any other activity if you first bring up rappelling.

In: Pennsylvania Motor Speedway tickets

Don't just take Mom to the races. Prove to her how thoughtful you are by providing her with a pair of earplugs.

Out: Flowers

Sure, that bouquet of roses looks nice when the FTD guy delivers them. But within days, the petals curl and fall from the stems and water in the vase starts to smell of decay. Way to remind Mom of her mortality, Sport.

In: Fireworks

There's no better way to show Mom — and her neighbors — that you love her by setting off a box of silver sonic warheads in her honor as dusk falls on her special day. The rush from the pyrotechnics is far more life-affirming than flowers. Mom will feel alive. You will feel alive.

So will the people across the street diving for cover when the shell rockets misfire.

Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or eheyl@tribweb.com.

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