Tea Party or pizza party: Feds watching
CONFIDENTIAL REPORT — FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
To: U.S. Attorney General Eric (redacted)
From: J. Ridley (redacted), director, U.S. Department of Justice, Clandestine Division of Communication Examination
For critical national security reasons, this division recently obtained a subpoena for two months of the home, office and cellular phone records of Tribune-Review columnist Eric Heyl. We were attempting to determine the sources for a recent Heyl column that disclosed classified changes to the street-sweeping schedule in the Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh.
(As you are aware, per a 2002 secret executive order, municipal street-cleaning machines were designated as counterterrorism vehicles. Since then, their drivers have been armed Department of Homeland Security agents keeping the nation's streets tidy and under surveillance.)
We haven't uncovered Heyl's sources. However, working in tandem with the FBI, we uncovered evidence that strongly suggests Heyl is involved with a sinister cabal that might be plotting against the United States.
Heyl made numerous suspicious calls during the two-month period. Among the people he contacted:
• Scott (redacted), a neighbor
After examining airline and travel agency records, the FBI determined that this so-called “neighbor” last year traveled to Mexico, a country heavily populated by foreigners. Investigators confirmed that while there, he spoke to several Mexican individuals, including his Cancun hotel's front desk clerk.
• (Redacted's) Pizza, a pizzeria
After noticing that Heyl habitually calls this place on Saturday nights, the FBI placed his house under surveillance on weekends. Agents observed him regularly accepting large cardboard boxes delivered by individuals who do not appear to be native-born Americans.
• (Redacted), Duncan, a dry cleaner
The FBI determined this neighborhood business is a front for a suspected extremist group accumulating large reserves of perchloroethylene, a toxic chemical solvent that poses significant health risks, raises environmental concerns and removes stains and dirt from most types of fabric.
• Dr. (redacted), an orthodontist
Informants indicated this individual has a significant inventory of tiny metal bits that could be used to help construct incendiary devices. Posing as an elementary school photographer, an FBI agent was able to ascertain that Heyl cleverly is stockpiling a large supply of these metallic pieces in his daughter's mouth.
The overwhelming evidence against Heyl more than justifies violating his First Amendment and Fourth Amendment rights to obtain it. Although that overwhelming evidence is insufficient for indictment, this office strongly recommends another federal agency take immediate punitive action.
Can we have the IRS audit him?
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or firstname.lastname@example.org.