Tea Party or pizza party: Feds watching
C ONFIDENTIAL REPORT — FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
To: U.S. Attorney General Eric (redacted)
From: J. Ridley (redacted), director, U.S. Department of Justice, Clandestine Division of Communication Examination
For critical national security reasons, this division recently obtained a subpoena for two months of the home, office and cellular phone records of Tribune-Review columnist Eric Heyl. We were attempting to determine the sources for a recent Heyl column that disclosed classified changes to the street-sweeping schedule in the Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh.
(As you are aware, per a 2002 secret executive order, municipal street-cleaning machines were designated as counterterrorism vehicles. Since then, their drivers have been armed Department of Homeland Security agents keeping the nation's streets tidy and under surveillance.)
We haven't uncovered Heyl's sources. However, working in tandem with the FBI, we uncovered evidence that strongly suggests Heyl is involved with a sinister cabal that might be plotting against the United States.
Heyl made numerous suspicious calls during the two-month period. Among the people he contacted:
• Scott (redacted), a neighbor
After examining airline and travel agency records, the FBI determined that this so-called “neighbor” last year traveled to Mexico, a country heavily populated by foreigners. Investigators confirmed that while there, he spoke to several Mexican individuals, including his Cancun hotel's front desk clerk.
• (Redacted's) Pizza, a pizzeria
After noticing that Heyl habitually calls this place on Saturday nights, the FBI placed his house under surveillance on weekends. Agents observed him regularly accepting large cardboard boxes delivered by individuals who do not appear to be native-born Americans.
• (Redacted), Duncan, a dry cleaner
The FBI determined this neighborhood business is a front for a suspected extremist group accumulating large reserves of perchloroethylene, a toxic chemical solvent that poses significant health risks, raises environmental concerns and removes stains and dirt from most types of fabric.
• Dr. (redacted), an orthodontist
Informants indicated this individual has a significant inventory of tiny metal bits that could be used to help construct incendiary devices. Posing as an elementary school photographer, an FBI agent was able to ascertain that Heyl cleverly is stockpiling a large supply of these metallic pieces in his daughter's mouth.
The overwhelming evidence against Heyl more than justifies violating his First Amendment and Fourth Amendment rights to obtain it. Although that overwhelming evidence is insufficient for indictment, this office strongly recommends another federal agency take immediate punitive action.
Can we have the IRS audit him?
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Show commenting policy
TribLive commenting policy
You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.
We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.
While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.
We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers.
We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.
We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.
We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.
We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.
- Bettis to be enshrined in Pro Football Hall of Fame
- PBT stages elaborate new production of ‘Beauty and the Beast’
- Pitt upsets No. 8 Notre Dame to snap losing streak
- Franklin Regional wrestling rallies to top Belle Vernon, defend team title
- Burrell wrestling wins 9th straight Class AA team title
- Natural gas industry buys share of Super Bowl spotlight
- Tennessee QB considers transfer to Pitt
- Beer keeps roasted chicken juicy
- Central Catholic safety Petrishen to sign with Penn State
- Penguins notebook: Malkin could return Wednesday at Edmonton
- Nation sick of Obama blunders, Perry tells state Republicans