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For Luke, the resume doctor is in

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Friday, June 21, 2013, 12:01 a.m.
 

It's time to polish the Ravenstahl resume.

Assuming that legal difficulties won't hamper his upcoming job search, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl immediately should update his curriculum vitae.

He leaves office no later than year's end, and needs something to show prospective employers.

Tweaking his resume would provide an outlet for Ravenstahl's nervous energy. The guy has to be apprehensive. About the only person in his social circle who hasn't testified before a federal grand jury that appears keenly interested in various mayoral activities is the doctor who delivered him.

Ravenstahl has held public office for nine of the 11 years since he graduated from Washington & Jefferson College. He probably doesn't have much experience at crafting a resume, so I'll do him a favor and provide a template. With a few minor modifications, it almost certainly would aid his efforts to find a private-sector job.

LUKE RAVENSTAHL

Address: Hazelton Avenue, Fineview (the house renovated by a contractor who received more than $2 million in city contracts since 2010)

OBJECTIVE

Seeking upper-level management position with no direct supervision, preferably one in which most direct responsibilities can be delegated to underlings and people who frequently buy me lunch. Ideally, the position will not attract the attention of a federal law enforcement agency.

SUMMARY OF PROFESSIONAL QUALIFICATIONS

• Exceptionally skilled at denying wrongdoing

• Experienced in criticizing media intrusiveness

• Proven ability to call out critics on Facebook

• Superb team-building abilities (built a team of unnecessary and well-compensated personal bodyguards)

• Experience in crisis management (once capably oversaw blizzard relief efforts from a ski resort birthday party)

• Extremely photogenic, especially when picture is taken with sports celebrities and rappers

• Capable human resources skills, particularly when hiring a personal criminal defense attorney

WORK HISTORY

• Mayor, City of Pittsburgh, September 2006-present

After ascending to office upon the death of the previous mayor, took a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and drove it straight into a brick wall. Responsibilities included building a substantial campaign war chest, getting re-elected, bickering with City Council members, carousing at nightspots and occasionally calling people who actually are in the mayor's office to see what's going on.

• Pittsburgh City Council, 2004-2006

Not nearly as much fun as being mayor.

EDUCATION

I've learned that no matter how many times I say it, people don't believe that my sudden decision to scrap my re-election bid had nothing to do with a federal probe of city government.

Oh, wait. Do you mean where I went to college?

REFERENCES

Why do you need to talk to them? What are you, the U.S. Attorney's Office?

Eric Heyl is a Trib Total Media staff writer. Reach him at 412-320-7857 or eheyl@tribweb.com.

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