Adult film star finds something that should be added to PNC Park's banned list
Police sergeants and porn actresses should refrain from publicly indulging in anthropomorphic antics.
That's not just a sentence I rarely get to type. It's the lesson learned from a recent incident at PNC Park that caused great consternation among the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police, the adult video community and a peculiar cult of people fond of donning unicorn masks.
Andy San Dimas, apparently an adult video actress of some renown, was in town July 13 for either a speaking or pole-dancing engagement at a gentlemen's club. Before the gig, she and an adult video producer friend decided to take in the Pirates-Mets game and add to the fireworks already scheduled after the game.
San Dimas most likely decided that singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” had become a ritual badly in need of refinement. She attempted to inspire the crowd to consider more avant garde seventh-inning stretch activities by donning a unicorn mask and dancing in the aisle.
An unidentified party notified security. I'm guessing it was the Pirate Parrot, as green as his costume is with envy. The bird probably was angry the gyrating unicorn was drawing attention away from its tired stunt of using a gas-powered launcher to shoot hot dogs into the stands.
According to social media accounts, San Dimas was ejected from the stadium. But not before persuading a man dressed in a city police sergeant's uniform to pose for a picture with her while he wore the unicorn mask.
“This stunning adult video actress has requested I don the likeness of a beautiful mythological beast. What's the harm?” Sgt. Unicorn likely thought. “Even if someone takes a picture of me in this ridiculous pose, what are the odds of it going viral? What are the odds that a newspaper would run the photo or link to it? (wpxi.com/photo/news/local/bizarre-photo/pwMRr/)”
Since that fateful evening:
• City public safety officials have said the as-yet-unidentified Sgt. Unicorn could face disciplinary action, either for conduct unbecoming an officer or unlawfully impersonating a beautiful mythological beast.
• San Dimas' adult video producer friend has complained on Twitter that her unicorn dance didn't warrant getting bounced from the ballpark because it was as harmless as the Pirates' pinch-hitters.
• The Unicorn Army, an informal infantry whose members take pictures of themselves in various places wearing unicorn masks, has voiced unwavering support for San Dimas. Can a class-action discrimination lawsuit against the Pirates be far behind?
While San Dimas and Sgt. Unicorn primarily are responsible for this controversy, the Pirates are partially to blame as well. The team's website lists numerous items fans are forbidden from bringing into the stadium — boom boxes, inflatable balls, balloons, Frisbees, laser pointers, footballs and fireworks.
Nowhere on that list is the now-infamous unicorn mask. I'm guessing that's about to change.
After this tempest in the Bucs' spot, the Parrot undoubtedly will insist on it.
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or email@example.com.