Heyl: County exec naughty of his list of party invites
Eric Heyl is off holiday shopping today. Filling his usual space is the Hey, Charlene! teen advice column.
Help! I'm the wildly successful class president and chief executive of a large Western Pennsylvania county, but my life is turning into a total disaster!
My parents recently planned to go out of town, so I decided to throw this totally wicked shindig for all of my friends while they were away. When my mom got sick and my folks couldn't take their trip, I hastily moved the party's location from my basement game room to the tony Inside Park at St. Bart's in midtown Manhattan.
So like everyone was having fun there eating, drinking and enjoying the Byzantine-like intricate stenciling on the restaurant's soaring 30-foot ceiling. All of a sudden, one of my buds taps me on the shoulder and goes: “Yo, Richie F! Look who just crashed your bash!”
I could not BELIEVE who had walked in the door! It was this stuck-up little witch named Chelsa. She thinks she's all that just because she's a cheerleader and the county controller. We don't get along because she spends all of her time criticizing me instead of learning new cheers and, like, auditing stuff.
I immediately walked over to her, put my hands on my hips and said: “What are you doing at my wicked shindig, Chelsa? You know you're not welcome.”
And she was like, “I was invited.” And I was like, “Were not!” And she was like, “Was so!” And I was like, “Don't make me turn the emergency fire hose on you, Chelsa.” And she got the message and finally left.
I turned to my buds and started laughing hysterically. I was like, “Can you believe Chelsa saying she was invited to my wicked shindig? Like that would ever happen!”
So when everyone got back to school on Monday, one of my buds rushed up to me at my locker and said: “Yo, Richie F! Guess what? Chelsa did get an invite to your bash! She showed it to everyone in Trig class and also to the local news media.”
I was almost sick to my stomach. Turns out this freshman I put in charge of sending out the invites didn't realize Chelsa and I are mortal enemies. He sent her an invite because he thought I wanted all of the cheerleaders to attend, not just the ones who aren't, like, total shrews.
This is almost as bad as the time I almost appointed the former head of the Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission to run the Port Authority just before he was charged with corruption. People think I'm the biggest doofus ever and incredibly rude for evicting an invited guest from my party. I'm sure Chelsa is snickering back in her office where she isn't practicing her cheers or auditing anything.
I'm on the edge of ruin, Charlene! What should I do?
— Embarrassed County Executive
Hey Embarrassed County Executive!
Either pay closer attention to the invitation lists of your future parties or don't act so immaturely when you believe an uninvited guest has arrived.
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or email@example.com.