Five people to cross off your Christmas list
By Gina Barreca
Published: Saturday, Dec. 22, 2012, 8:56 p.m.
The secret to life is that there is no secret. In heaven, you'll be asked to explain all the times you missed an opportunity to find joy.
There is, however, a secret to surviving the Christmas season, although it has very little to do with heavenly matters.
It has to do with avoiding five types of people who suck joy out of a room the way air gets sucked out of a pressurized cabin in “Snakes on a Plane.” You need to protect yourself when you're near these people; they are seasonal vampires.
They don't come out after dark; they come out after Black Friday. They drain dry life's emotional balance until all that's left are dregs of good cheer and a bunch of cranky crumbs.
Let's identify them so that we're safe this Christmas season.
• Type 1: The Vain Man.
There are now guys asking, “Does this Santa suit make me look fat?” They're asking for hair plugs and eye lifts from Santa. These guys are trying to pick up cute elves. They think they don't need Santa's bifocals to read gift lists. They think they are the prize.
They are wrong.
• Type 2: The Sentimental Lady.
A woman who makes her daughter's ice skates into earrings is a woman who needs to unclasp her fist from the throat of The Ghost of Christmas Past.
This is a person who launches into speeches about how happy her family was before the: a) divorce; b) complete failure of the culture to value important traditions such as the lighting of multiple scented candles to eclipse the smell of expired potpourri; c) her children's marriages to heathens, foreigners or people whose families refuse to acknowledge that, because they selfishly choose to live out of state, they have no right to claim time with the little ones between Halloween and Arbor Day.
• Type 3: The Nut-Avoider.
Don't write letters to the editor; I'm not talking about you — or, at least, about only you. I have allergies and half my family is vegan, so I know what it's like to make compromises.
At any gathering in my home, there are peanut-avoiders, meat-avoiders, salt-avoiders, alcohol-avoiders, fructose-avoiders, gluten-avoiders and dairy-avoiders. But anybody with a sanctimonious inability to be within spitting distance of those who mate and vote — let alone eat and drink — differently from themselves should not expect to sit at the table with others unless they compromise.
During meals, I have profound physical reactions that I must contain. I cannot, for example, sit next to someone who brings an electronic device to a table without moving my arms so wildly that the device smashes to the floor. If I can manage, so can the vegan sodium-free Wiccan friend who's cozied up to the Pentecostal bacon lover.
No, they cannot use their electronic devices to play games in order to bond.
• Type 4: The Terrifyingly Happy.
These folks send cards with pictures of their adorable offspring but without supplying either a return address or their own identities, thereby remaining as anonymous as those under witness protection.
These are the families who name their kids after household objects or Norse gods. Their cards read, “Happy Holidays from All of Us! Here are the kids — Ooegrd, Kickstand, Beret and baby Nimmermehr!” You have no idea who they are.
However, such families are usually fully occupied by taking pictures of each other. The danger of seeing them in the flesh is low.
• Type 5: The Competitive Do-Gooder.
This person wields every random act of kindness as a bludgeon. If you mention you donated canned goods to the soup kitchen, she'll explain how last year she made and served stew. If you boast about giving money to the local animal shelter, she'll trot out her two three-legged dogs and her deaf ferret.
So, you end up putting the soup kitchen and shelter in your will. You then discover she's already done that. Ha, ha! You lose!
Yet because everybody else wins, it's not real defeat.
What you found instead is an opportunity for joy. Laughter brings us a little closer to heaven — or, at the very least, closer to each other. And that's what Christmas is for, after all.
Gina Barreca is an English professor at the University of Connecticut and a columnist for the Hartford Courant.
Show commenting policy
TribLive commenting policy
You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.
We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.
While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.
We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers.
We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.
We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.
We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.
We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.
- Steelers notebook: Woodley practices but unsure where he’ll play
- Bell gets respect from teammates, foes alike
- Penguins notebook: Injury keeps Malkin out against Sharks
- Pitt’s Dixon discusses local signees
- Positive reports add to investor fears the Fed is nearing end of its stimulus
- Ex-Penguins winger Kennedy ‘emotional’ about return
- Kovacevic: Got proof on Tomlin? Let’s hear it
- Pedestrians hit near hot dog shop in Beaver County
- Ex-Steeler WR Wallace: It was a ‘challenge’ for Haley to use me
- Local protesters strike fast-food places, demand higher minimum wage
- Film about former Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis in prestigious festival