George F. Will: Nods to American hilarity before nodding off
Tryptophan, an amino acid in turkey, is unjustly blamed for what mere gluttony does, making Americans comatose every fourth Thursday in November. But before nodding off, give thanks for another year of American hilarity, including:
• A company curried favor with advanced thinkers by commissioning for Manhattan's financial district the “Fearless Girl” bronze statue, which exalts female intrepidity in the face of a rampant bull, representing (1) a surging stock market or (2) toxic masculinity. Then the company paid a $5 million settlement, mostly for paying 305 female executives less than men in comparable positions.
• Washington's subway banned a civil liberties group's ad consisting entirely of the text of the First Amendment, which ostensibly violated the rule against ads “intended to influence members of the public regarding an issue on which there are varying opinions.”
• Always alert about planetary crises, The New Yorker reported: “The world is running out of sand.”
• United Airlines said: Assault? Don't be misled by your eyes. That passenger dragged off the plane was just being “re-accommodated.”
• A New York Times tweet about the South reported a shooting at a nightclub “in downtown Arkansas.”
• In toney and oh-so-progressive Malibu, the City Council voted to become a sanctuary city. The councilwoman who made the motion for protecting illegal immigrants said: “Our city depends on a Hispanic population to support our comfortable lifestyle.”
• Forty-two years after the government began (with fuel economy standards) trying to push Americans into gas-sipping cars, the three best-selling vehicles were the Ford, Chevrolet and Ram pickup trucks.
• A year after a NASA climatologist (from the “settled” science of climate) said California was “in a drought forever,” torrential rains threatened to break dams.
• A University of Arizona guide instructed instructors to encourage students to say “ouch” when something said in class hurts their feelings.
• The Chronicle of Higher Education reported that student snowflakes are not the only victims of academic suffering. It seems that after the nine-month school year, professors endure isolation, solitude and depression during their three-month vacations.
• Massachusetts continues to be surprised that the smuggling of cigarettes into the state increased when state cigarette taxes increased.
• Although San Francisco's hourly minimum wage has not yet reached its destination of $15, the city is surprised that so many small businesses have closed. McDonald's probably was not surprised when its shares surged after it announced plans to replace cashiers with digital ordering kiosks in 2,500 restaurants.
• Finally, Domino's Pizza is going to need bigger menus. Government labeling regulations require calorie counts for every variation of items sold, which Domino's says (counting different toppings and crusts) includes about 34 million possible combinations. None, however, have excessive tryptophan.
George F. Will is a columnist for Newsweek and The Washington Post.