The Birdie: 'You do the math'
By The Birdie
Published: Thursday, Oct. 24, 2013, 12:01 a.m.
The Birdie always likes to take the easy way out. Therefore, it's no surprise he was a C student.
When he was in high school, he hated advanced math classes because, “We're never going to use this stuff.”
He was wrong. The A-K's foreteller of football foolery didn't realize he'd have to figure out WPIAL playoff tiebreakers by crunching numbers.
He yells a “Come on man” across the newsroom, doing his best Cris Carter impression.
“I love the playoffs, but I hate the mental exhaustion and feather-plucking it takes to figure out who gets into them,” Birdie said, frantically erasing an equation in his notebook with his partially-chewed Dixon Ticonderoga. “Head-to-head, plus-minus, 10 for a win, 10 for a loss, Gardner points. Aaahhh!
“I only give Gardner points to my landscapers after they cut my grass.”
He does a full sprint toward the copy machine and leaps like Troy Polamalu but lands head-first into a trash can.
Frazzled, the Birdie brought in a trigonometry professor from Penn State New Kensington to help uncover lies and break ties.
“This stuff is crazy,” Birdie said. “Let someone else do the dirty work. Just tell me who made it. I'll tell you who's going to win.”
Luckily, all of the local playoff teams have been decided, so he can turn off the calculator.
West Shamokin (6-2, 5-2) at Apollo-Ridge (6-2, 5-2)
No Wolves hiding in the closet.
Burrell (3-5, 2-5) at Deer Lakes (0-8, 0-7)
Burrell has struggled against the Lancers in the recent past.
Deer Lakes, 22-20
Ford City (3-5, 2-5) at Valley (5-3, 4-3)
Valley's ready for the playoffs.
Fox Chapel (2-6, 2-4) at Seneca Valley (7-1, 5-1)
Seneca will make more plays.
Seneca Valley, 42-25
Highlands (6-2, 6-1) at Knoch (3-5, 2-5)
No resting players this week for Highlands.
Latrobe (2-6, 1-6) at Kiski Area (4-4, 4-3)
The Cavaliers have been fairly strong at home.
Kiski Area, 24-12
Kittanning (8-0, 7-0) at S.S. Academy (8-0, 7-0)
The Allegheny's crown jewel will come down to defense.
Shady Side Academy, 20-13
North Catholic (8-0, 7-0) at Leechburg (2-6, 2-5)
Halloween's coming. Scary stuff.
North Catholic, 35-8
Pine-Richand (4-4) at Plum (0-8)
There hasn't been a fair game on Plum's schedule in years.
Freeport (2-6, 2-5) at Summit Academy (4-4, 4-3)
Summit Academy a feel-good story? Could be.
Summit Academy, 25-8
Springdale (2-6, 2-5) at Riverview (1-7, 1-6)
The Chuck Wagner Bowl goes to the hosts.
Show commenting policy
TribLive commenting policy
You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.
We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.
While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.
We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers.
We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.
We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.
We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.
We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.
- South Fayette hopes for better result than 2010 PIAA Class AA final
- Central Catholic delivers crushing defensive performance to qualify for PIAA championship
- Gateway football to join AAA ranks
- Cardinal Wuerl North Catholic sees a little of itself in Old Forge
- Cardinal Wuerl North Catholic dominates Clarion in PIAA semifinals
- Belle Vernon’s Fields, Elizabeth Forward’s Davidson honored as two-way Big 9 stars
- High school notebook: Gateway football falls to Class AAA based on new PIAA enrollment figures
- Running game carries South Fayette past Hickory and into PIAA title game
- Friday’s PIAA semifinal football games postponed