The Birdie: 'You do the math'
By The Birdie
Published: Thursday, Oct. 24, 2013, 12:01 a.m.
The Birdie always likes to take the easy way out. Therefore, it's no surprise he was a C student.
When he was in high school, he hated advanced math classes because, “We're never going to use this stuff.”
He was wrong. The A-K's foreteller of football foolery didn't realize he'd have to figure out WPIAL playoff tiebreakers by crunching numbers.
He yells a “Come on man” across the newsroom, doing his best Cris Carter impression.
“I love the playoffs, but I hate the mental exhaustion and feather-plucking it takes to figure out who gets into them,” Birdie said, frantically erasing an equation in his notebook with his partially-chewed Dixon Ticonderoga. “Head-to-head, plus-minus, 10 for a win, 10 for a loss, Gardner points. Aaahhh!
“I only give Gardner points to my landscapers after they cut my grass.”
He does a full sprint toward the copy machine and leaps like Troy Polamalu but lands head-first into a trash can.
Frazzled, the Birdie brought in a trigonometry professor from Penn State New Kensington to help uncover lies and break ties.
“This stuff is crazy,” Birdie said. “Let someone else do the dirty work. Just tell me who made it. I'll tell you who's going to win.”
Luckily, all of the local playoff teams have been decided, so he can turn off the calculator.
West Shamokin (6-2, 5-2) at Apollo-Ridge (6-2, 5-2)
No Wolves hiding in the closet.
Burrell (3-5, 2-5) at Deer Lakes (0-8, 0-7)
Burrell has struggled against the Lancers in the recent past.
Deer Lakes, 22-20
Ford City (3-5, 2-5) at Valley (5-3, 4-3)
Valley's ready for the playoffs.
Fox Chapel (2-6, 2-4) at Seneca Valley (7-1, 5-1)
Seneca will make more plays.
Seneca Valley, 42-25
Highlands (6-2, 6-1) at Knoch (3-5, 2-5)
No resting players this week for Highlands.
Latrobe (2-6, 1-6) at Kiski Area (4-4, 4-3)
The Cavaliers have been fairly strong at home.
Kiski Area, 24-12
Kittanning (8-0, 7-0) at S.S. Academy (8-0, 7-0)
The Allegheny's crown jewel will come down to defense.
Shady Side Academy, 20-13
North Catholic (8-0, 7-0) at Leechburg (2-6, 2-5)
Halloween's coming. Scary stuff.
North Catholic, 35-8
Pine-Richand (4-4) at Plum (0-8)
There hasn't been a fair game on Plum's schedule in years.
Freeport (2-6, 2-5) at Summit Academy (4-4, 4-3)
Summit Academy a feel-good story? Could be.
Summit Academy, 25-8
Springdale (2-6, 2-5) at Riverview (1-7, 1-6)
The Chuck Wagner Bowl goes to the hosts.
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