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A glossary to help you understand Big Ben Roethlisberger

| Sunday, April 18, 2010

Put yourself in Big Ben's place.

As distasteful as it might be, try to see the world through Ben Roethlisberger's eyes for a moment. That exercise is necessary to better understand how the Steelers quarterback could have disgraced himself so thoroughly.

Roethlisberger escaped criminal charges in connection with his recent repugnant conduct toward an inebriated 20-year-old coed in a Georgia nightclub, but the stain he sports from that inappropriate bathroom encounter might never fade.

To better understand Roethlisberger's actions, you have to consider his mindset. You have to realize that he obviously sees things far differently than most people — even seemingly ordinary terminology.

As distasteful as it might be, you have to assemble a Big Ben glossary.

• Apology (noun): An insincere expression of regret people often are ordered to make by their bosses, after the boss yelled at them all day for things that aren't even their fault.

• Bimbo (noun): A term of playful endearment for a member of the fairer sex.

• Blame (noun): A frequent bimbo pastime of finding fault with someone after they sober up.

• Bodyguard (noun): An off-duty police officer or officers hired to make one's bimbos feel safe and secure. (e.g. "Don't worry about your girlfriends interrupting our time alone, honey. My bodyguards will keep them away.")

• Chivalry (noun): A display of gallantry toward women. (e.g. "That bimbo was so wasted after doing all of those tequila shots that I thought she might fall and hit her head. So in an act of chivalry, I followed her into the bathroom to make sure she was OK.")

Contrition (noun): An arithmetic operation, much like addition and subtraction.

• Haircut (noun): A high-risk invasive procedure that, because of its danger, should be attempted only in anticipation of meeting with the National Football League commissioner.

• Lawyer (noun): A really, really good guy who is paid a lot of money to keep all the crazy bimbos from taking advantage of people.

• Predator (noun): A member of Nashville's National Hockey League team. This word has no other meanings.

• Shaving (verb): A complex and dangerous exercise in which whiskers are forcefully cut and removed from the face and neck with a razor; like a haircut, this should be attempted immediately prior to a confirmed meeting with the NFL commissioner.

• Shots (noun): Small samples of alcoholic beverages, such as tequila, usually offered as signs of affection and devotion to members of the fairer sex; often distributed rapidly in multiple doses by VIP lounge bartenders.

• Suspension: (noun): A temporary and not necessarily unpleasant period in which one's pursuit of entertaining activities is uninterrupted by occupational obligations. (e.g. "Since I can't play today because of my suspension, anyone want to go down to McFadden's with me and troll for bimbos• Drinks are on me!")

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