'Star Wars' trilogies we'd like to see ... or maybe not
With the announcement of a brand-new Star Wars trilogy with "The Last Jedi" director Rian Johnson at the helm, we can't seem to stop kicking around "ideas" for what it could be about.
And by "ideas," we mean "continuity-based concepts that made us crack up." Most of our ideas were for movies that would come between the original trilogy and the new films.
THE IMPERIAL ZONING BOARD
An entire trilogy could be developed solely around the legal procedures and permit requirements for building the Starkiller Base from "The Force Awakens."
Listen, we cover a lot of local-government meetings here, so for us, it's hard to imagine that the Imperial Zoning Board would grant permits for a third planet-sized death machine, given what happened to the previous two.
One subplot, inspired by a conversation in Kevin Smith's breakout film "Clerks," could be a courtroom drama: the years-long, drawn-out class-action lawsuit filed by every contractor working on the Death Stars, whose innocent workers were murdered by the Rebels not once, but twice.
A CGI version of Alan Rickman plays the head of the Imperial Zoning Board, just bored out of his mind the entire time.
LITTER GITTERS ON ENDOR
We don't hear much about the Ewoks' home planet of Endor in the aftermath of "Return of the Jedi."
Oh, sure, there were a couple movies set on the forest moon, including the one where Wilford Brimley plays an off-brand, futuristic Gandalf, but those took place prior to the events of "Return of the Jedi."
All we know for sure is that while Luke, Han and friends were celebrating in the woods with the Ewoks, there's a good chance that giant flaming chunks of Death Star would have been raining down all around them.
We envision a film with a strong eco-friendly message that centers on the planet-wide cleanup effort.
Julia Roberts plays the Erin Brockovich of a galaxy far, far away, and sues the Rebels for polluting Endor.
THE FIRST ORDER WANTS YOU!
As we mentioned before, the Rebel forces blew up not one, but two Death Stars, along with the thousands, if not millions of storm troopers living there.
Through the prequel trilogy, we learned that all of the original storm troopers were clones of Boba Fett's dad Django. The varying heights and voices of storm troopers in the original trilogy implies that they were individuals who either chose to join up or were perhaps drafted.
It would certainly be interesting to see how the First Order could manage to recruit another fully stocked storm trooper army when the last two all met with a death that could generously be described as "fiery and horrifying."
Josh Gad plays the hapless head recruiter, fruitlessly pitching a life of poor marksmanship and certain death day after day.
'LEAVING LAS VEGAS' IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY
(SPOILER ALERT for "The Force Awakens") In "The Force Awakens," we learn that Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa not only were a couple at one point, they also had a son who conveniently grew up to be the Big Villain of that film (Sidebar: We had an entirely separate discussion about how ridiculous it is that about a dozen people somehow have a hand in all of the major events throughout the galaxy).
We also learn that Han and Leia are no longer a couple, so how about an action-free, drama-filled movie exploring the slow unraveling of their relationship?
You know: Han's still missing that smuggling life, so he lies about "just going out for couple shots of Corellian liquor with Chewie and the boys" and then he starts making new Kessel Runs, becomes a deadbeat dad, and then Leia catches him stowing the galactic equivalent of cocaine bricks in the Millennium Falcon.
Matthew McConaughey plays the intergalactic landscaper who always seems to be mowing the Solos' lawn with his shirt off when Leia's home.
Or if you really want to satisfy the Star Wars universe fandom, just make a film titled "Jar Jar Binks Dies at the End."
Staff writers Patrick Varine, Jacob Tierney, Matt Santoni, Brian Bowling and Jamie Martines contributed to this story.