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So Many Questions

So Many Questions: Relationship 'Wing Girl' Marni Kinry says we need to learn what we want

| Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2014, 9:00 p.m.
Relationship coach Marni Kinry
Anderson Group PR
Relationship coach Marni Kinry

To say that relationship expert coach Marni Kinry has seen and heard it all when it comes to love would be the understatement of the year.

“10 Mistakes Men Make With Women & How to Avoid Them (The Wing Girl Method)” (Amazon Digital Services, $2.99) is a fellas guide to understanding the female mind, while her recently released ebook, “That's Not How Men Work,” is geared toward helping the ladies.

Hilarious, sharp and fully prepared to arm both sexes equally, Kinry hopes to blast through the misconceived — and often misfired — approaches we've all taken when it comes to life, love and the pursuit of happy relationships in the 21st century.

Question: What's one of the biggest misconceptions men have when it comes to dating women in the 21st century?

Answer: That they don't want to be bothered and that they want the same things that men want. So, men ... they're attracted to looks and high value and high importance. Women, on the other hand, have a whole list of things they're attracted to, and I think looks is fifth on the list of what they are looking for in a mate. There's passion, there's drive, there's intelligence, there's status — there's a whole list of attributes.

I know that men believe that women value the same things that men value. Therefore, in their interactions, they interact based on what they believe women want, not exactly what women do want.

Q: We live in an over-sexed, selfie nation, yet, women scream when men “objectify” them. How much have women contributed to the confusion as to how they want to be seen?

A: It's funny, because I think women pick and choose their battles, right? So, in a certain situation I think they'd be OK with being “objectified,” but if it was another man doing the exact same thing, very same scenarios, they would have issue with it.

I'm not going to speak on behalf of all women, because I'm definitely not all women, but I would say we definitely are a part of our objectification. But, I will also say there are men who still have extreme views of how they see women; or, they don't see us as equal status as human beings. So, for those situations, that's not really our responsibility.

Q: What are three keys to building a strong, masculine character?

A: Well, having confidence in yourself and being comfortable in who you are — that's the foundation of the Wing Girl method. I teach men how to ask for what they want and to be OK with it. And to learn that asking for what you want doesn't mean that you're a jerk or you're arrogant. It's hard for most people to do, to say out loud what they want without feeling that they're going to get a negative reaction.

One of the first exercises that I have with every guy that I work with is an exercise called “I want.” Which is, literally, injecting the phrase “I want” into their everyday routine five times. And every single time that I give this assignment to guys, they say, “Ugh! Aren't people going to think I'm a jerk? Isn't that rude to do?” I tell them, “No, it's not. It's getting you comfortable with asking for what you want instead of slyly or subtly asking for what you want.” And every single guy that I give this exercise to, comes back a week later and says, “I feel like a different person.”

Q: Are women becoming interested again in the concept of a “man” or do we still waste too much time on the “boys”?

A: I've talked to probably close to 5,000 women, and now that I've put a product out there called, “That's Not How Men Work,” it's interesting to see these women who are writing to me after buying my program, how little they value themselves. And it's really sad for me to see what they allow men to do to them, because they'll say, “This man does this, this and this to me, and I want to make him really want me,” and I read it and think, “Why do you want this man to want you? He sounds horrible! This man has a wife, and you're his mistress.”

I would say that a lot of women need a little bit more empowerment with their choices that they make surrounding men. There may be a fear there that they're not going to find somebody else or have to take what they can get. ... I just think there's a lot of miscommunication and a lot of wants and needs being held back out of fear that we're going to ... lose love or lose the attraction from another person.

Kate Benz is the social columnist for Trib Total Media and can be reached at kbenz@tribweb.com, 412-380-8515 or via Twitter@KateBenzTRIB.

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