ShareThis Page
Allegheny

Envious of husband's approaching retirement

| Tuesday, July 10, 2018, 1:33 a.m.

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My husband is hardworking and also a caring and loving husband. Our relationship is absolutely wonderful. However, there is something I fear may soon destroy all this happiness. He is going to retire in a couple of years, several years before me. He is very much looking forward to fun activities like traveling, skiing, hiking, hobbies, and things of this nature. He deserves all that as he has been working long hours for many years.

However, I am afraid I will quickly become resentful of having to go to the office every day while he enjoys a never-ending vacation. I know I should not think this way, and I am sure a lot of women married to older husbands somehow find ways to accept this kind of arrangement, but what if I can’t? My job is fairly boring but pays well, so I will have to stick with it, especially when he retires and is no longer covered by insurance. I have considered changing my field of work to find something more enjoyable, but anything I would like will bring much less money, fewer benefits, and also it would require retraining. How do I handle all this?

— Have to Stick With It

I don’t think there’s any magic answer, or any answer really besides the two of you talking about it.

The answers you can come to from here aren’t necessarily great; what is he supposed to do, stay home and do nothing so you’re both bored? Structure his will so he can finance your retirement in return? Then what — you can go off skiing during your post-work years without anyone else’s feelings to consider?

But getting the feelings out there will give you both a chance to anticipate them in your planning. Maybe choose a job with an eye to health benefits and flexibility versus size of the paycheck. Maybe he can take on more household responsibilities so that his retirement benefits you both. Maybe his free time will allow him to plan more elaborately and include you in many of his activities. Maybe talking about it now will make him mindful of your feelings when the time comes so that he doesn’t unwittingly rub his freedom in your face.

Or, maybe just hearing yourself say them out loud will help you see that your feelings aren’t worth acting on beyond getting them off your chest. He will have his time and you will have yours, health permitting for both, and the happiest way to handle that is to treat it as a foreseeable misalignment, versus any kind of injustice.

Re: Retirement:

My father retired several years before my mother. He took advantage of the time by indulging his love of cooking, and made my mom a lovely meal every night. Also, dad drove her to the Metro station every morning and picked up every evening. She felt a little pampered.

— Anonymous

Lovely, thanks.

Re: Retirement:

My dad was planning to retire, my mom was fretting about it, and then my dad suddenly died. Be grateful he is there and has a plan for his time that will make him happy. The alternatives are much worse.

— Not to Be a Total Downer

Needed to be said, thank you.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

TribLIVE commenting policy

You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.

We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.

While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.

We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers

We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.

We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.

We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.

We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.

click me