ShareThis Page
News

Chevron delivers cold pizza

| Saturday, Feb. 22, 2014, 9:00 p.m.

In the Chevron corporate conference room:

CEO John S. Watson: “Folks, I called you here today to brief me on the success of Chevron's new policy of purchasing pizza for people peripherally impacted by our fatal gas well explosions. Rhonda, can you provide a little background?”

Rhonda Zygocki, executive vice president of policy and planning: “Certainly, sir. On Feb. 11, one of our gas wells in rural Greene County in Southwest Pennsylvania exploded for an as-yet undetermined reason. One of our workers died in the blast.

“Our thoughts here at corporate immediately turned to nearby Bobtown residents. We were concerned that having two of our well heads burn out of control for five days might give them the mistaken impression that our fracking operations are unsafe.”

Watson: “And we certainly didn't want them thinking that Chevron isn't a good neighbor. Sure, we have the occasional odd, inexplicable explosion. But what company specializing in the oil, gas and geothermal energy industries doesn't? We're good people.”

Zygocki: “Exactly, sir. We wanted to do something to illustrate that fact. So planning and policy came up with the idea of performing community outreach and providing people living closest to the blast with comfort food.”

Watson: “What better way to remove all doubt that Chevron is serious about safety?”

Zygocki: “Precisely, sir. We first considered buying everyone in the area boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, but we were worried the media might not consider the gesture sufficiently grand.”

Watson: “Kraft M&C? That stuff is delicious!”

Zygocki: “I agree, sir. But ultimately we decided to provide people with gift certificates to Bobtown Pizza, a local establishment familiar to most residents. The coupons were good for one large, special combo pie and a two-liter bottle of soda.”

Watson: “I bet BP wishes it would have done something like that when it had that big Gulf of Mexico oil spill several years ago. Steve, how well were the gift certificates received?”

Stephen Green, vice president of public affairs: “Well, sir, the Bobtown Pizza owner was grateful we purchased them.”

Watson: “Beyond that? We received significant national publicity, didn't we?”

Green: “Yes, sir. Unfortunately, it wasn't as positive as we would have liked.”

Watson: “Really?”

Green: “Yes, sir. From a public relations perspective, our gesture did the same thing as the gas well. The consensus nationally was that it was a tone-deaf, ham-fisted, wholly inadequate attempt to buy community goodwill.”

Watson: “Wow. That's harsh.”

Green: “Yes it is, sir.”

Watson: “Well, we've learned a valuable lesson here that I believe can only help us in future dealings with people peripherally impacted by our fatal gas well explosions. We'll tweak the policy so that Chevron will be beyond reproach should something like this ever occur again.”

Zygocki: “Tweak it how, sir?”

Watson: “Next time, we won't just pick up the pizza. We'll also spring for wings.”

Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or eheyl@tribweb.com.

TribLIVE commenting policy

You are solely responsible for your comments and by using TribLive.com you agree to our Terms of Service.

We moderate comments. Our goal is to provide substantive commentary for a general readership. By screening submissions, we provide a space where readers can share intelligent and informed commentary that enhances the quality of our news and information.

While most comments will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive, moderating decisions are subjective. We will make them as carefully and consistently as we can. Because of the volume of reader comments, we cannot review individual moderation decisions with readers.

We value thoughtful comments representing a range of views that make their point quickly and politely. We make an effort to protect discussions from repeated comments either by the same reader or different readers

We follow the same standards for taste as the daily newspaper. A few things we won't tolerate: personal attacks, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity (including expletives and letters followed by dashes), commercial promotion, impersonations, incoherence, proselytizing and SHOUTING. Don't include URLs to Web sites.

We do not edit comments. They are either approved or deleted. We reserve the right to edit a comment that is quoted or excerpted in an article. In this case, we may fix spelling and punctuation.

We welcome strong opinions and criticism of our work, but we don't want comments to become bogged down with discussions of our policies and we will moderate accordingly.

We appreciate it when readers and people quoted in articles or blog posts point out errors of fact or emphasis and will investigate all assertions. But these suggestions should be sent via e-mail. To avoid distracting other readers, we won't publish comments that suggest a correction. Instead, corrections will be made in a blog post or in an article.

click me