Danny Tyree: Stressing out over Thanksgiving travel?

Don’t hate me because I’m stationary.

Yes, the Tyrees are anticipating another laid-back, close-to-home Thanksgiving.

Some would envy our “sweet spot,” but it’s more of a bittersweet spot.

Our parents and grandparents are deceased, our siblings have their own plans and we don’t have a daughter-in-law or grandchildren yet.

Our nuclear family will muddle through. There’s probably a reason the telemarketers who bombard you with offers of an “extended warranty” don’t branch out into hawking “extended families.” It’s a bridge too far.

I know many of you are either dreading a cross-country holiday trip or experiencing anxiety over being the perfect host. Even with my small-scale plans, I feel your pain.

Okay, I can’t really feel the discomfort of flying wedged between two sumo wrestlers while a Radio City Music Hall Rockette with restless leg syndrome is sitting behind you; but I have consumed stale peanuts before, so there’s that.

Travel by car has its own problems, including the nerve-wracking chorus of “Are we there yet?” Of course this can be blunted with a quantum strategy, i.e. Schrodinger’s GPS. (“Are we there yet? Yes — and no. Are we there yet? Yes — and no.”)

Yeah, the travel solutions pioneered by Henry Ford and the Wright Brothers have become so frustrating, a common lament is, “I don’t care if Grandma’s retirement community has a world-renowned pickleball court and five-star pharmacy. Why couldn’t she have held out for a retirement community with navigable waters? I’ll bet canoe rental businesses don’t misdirect your luggage by 500 miles.”

Parents have to agonize over logistics, but kids have their own dread of being swarmed by elderly relatives who say things like, “I never could get used to these newfangled balloon thingies. Back in my day, Macy’s dressed up pterodactyls to fly in the Thanksgiving Day parade.”

Everyone gets on edge around the relative who is a stickler for etiquette. (“Fine, let’s acknowledge that we brought disease to the indigenous peoples and took land from the indigenous peoples. But our greatest shame is that we taught them to slouch.”)

Holiday gatherings are a mixed blessing for newlywed couples. It’s nice to be welcomed, but sometimes family members are overeager. (“I’m not going to get into the ‘turkey and dressing’ versus ‘turkey and stuffing’ brouhaha. Just as long as I can serve turkey and fertility drugs.”)

What would the holidays be without some good-natured sibling rivalry? (“It’s agreed: next Thanksgiving, we’ll all get together at a central location. Just as long as it’s a lot more central to my house!”)

Some family members have to fake enthusiasm for those backyard football games, but you’ll make memories that last … until the concussion’s effects become permanent.

Everyone loves the tradition of piling winter coats in the spare bedroom, but it’s embarrassing if your spare bedroom is usually your Archive of Retired Kitchen Junk Drawers.

Whatever inconveniences and indignities you suffer for your gathering, don’t forget the time-honored tradition of going around the table and emphasizing one thing you’re thankful for.

I can hear you now:

“I’m thankful Racist Uncle passed out before he could finish saying, ‘My, you’ve grown so tall for a biracial little …’.”

“I’m thankful the paramedic believes in food allergies, even if Aunt Sophie thinks ‘anaphylactic shock’ is something you buy at O’Reilly Auto Parts.”

“I am thankful that Tyree didn’t take advantage of the Extended Column offer … .”

Danny Tyree writes about politics and pop culture in his syndicated “Tyree’s Tyrades” column.