I’d like to thank the electric company for their service. They have been sending me emails once a week, patting me on the head when I use less electricity, and chiding me when I use more. With their newest surveillance system, they were able to determine that the water heater is drawing the most electricity. That’s good to know, in case I decide to make my home into a cold water flat. Best of all though, they are using hilarious new emojis to make their point.
They are giving customers an emoji rating of up to five cartoon electric chairs. If you get one electric chair, you are really doing your best to save energy. Five capital punishment devices mean you are going way overboard, and are endangering the power grid. You might be watching too much television. That means you’re not getting enough exercise, and you might be costing the health care system too much. Two electric chairs are bad, and if you get a rating of three they give you the razz with their slogan, “Whoa, cowboy, one execution at a time.”
Some of the above information isn’t true, they don’t really use electric chair emojis, but they have been monitoring usage and they are giving me a case of the willies. The part about the water heater is true. We are in an ever-more invasive surveillance state. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were fried in electric chairs. I wonder if the electric company sent them an email.
Bruce Reisner
Perry South