Mark Madden: Stench of Pirates' best players might be the foulest

The Pittsburgh Pirates should be covered like a dumpster fire. The Hindenburg disaster. The fall of Saigon.

They’re not.

Let’s lay out the unvarnished truth:

Don Kelly has changed little since taking over as manager. There was a short adrenaline rush, as with any coaching switch. But the Pirates still make all the usual mistakes. Kelly has added showbiz ejections to the mix. But Kelly is just Shelty Jr. He’s 19-22 — big whoop — and the Pirates have lost six of their last eight.

Bryan Reynolds just got back from paternity leave. Here’s hoping he’s better at fatherhood than he is baseball. He’s making $12.25 million and hitting just .226 with eight home runs. Reynolds seems to avoid blame but should be at the top of the crap list.

Oneil Cruz is rotten. He’s an occasional highlight tossed on top of a big pile of manure. He’s mph and athleticism but doesn’t play winning baseball. Cruz has gone 10 games without a home run or extra-base hit, posting just five singles and 14 strikeouts in 40 at-bats over that span. He mangles center field, has the baseball IQ of a soap dish and betrays his massive talent on a regular basis. Cruz is 26. He’s likely too old for epiphanies.

Ke’Bryan Hayes is an embarrassment. Forget his Gold Glove in 2023. On a team that’s scored the fewest runs in MLB, Hayes’ defense doesn’t matter. Stop using his bad back as an excuse. (How come it doesn’t hurt his fielding?) He’s a corner infielder with two home runs, a .230 batting average, an OPS of .565. Hayes is making $7 million this season and flat-out stinks.

Reynolds, Cruz and Hayes are supposed to be the Pirates’ best players. But their stench might be the foulest. At least those with minimal talent have an excuse.

A lot of the pitching is good, especially Paul Skenes.

They say pitching is 75% of baseball, but the Pirates prove that incorrect by winning 39% of their games.

The Pirates have MLB’s best pitcher but nonetheless sit last in their division.

That’s because they rank 30th among MLB teams (dead last) in runs, OPS, slugging and home runs. They have the fewest homers by a margin of 12.

The Pirates have been shut out 10 times in 79 games. They’ve scored two runs or fewer 36 times.

Criticism of ownership is justified. Bob Nutting is the single biggest problem. (He did give ticket-buyers free water when PNC Park turned scorching Sunday. That inspired a vision of Pirates fans locked in cars like dogs.)

GM Ben Cherington is incompetent, especially at development. But how much chance does the Pirates’ budget give him?

But except for Skenes, a few more pitchers and resilient 38-year-old Andrew McCutchen, those presumed to be the Pirates’ best players are absolutely killing them.

Then you’ve got the circus-act factor.

Reliever Dennis Santana got suspended four games for taking a swipe at a fan in Detroit.

Outfielder Tommy Pham had three spectators ejected during the same game, presumably for telling him that he stinks. Which he does.

Kelly beefing with umps has turned into a song-and-dance act.

Many of the errors and mental mistakes are of the Little League variety.

This franchise doesn’t deserve any respect whatsoever.

Oh, the humanity.