Tim Benz: Forget what you've heard on Penguins' front office search — here's the real 'Succession' plan

To me, the Pittsburgh Penguins’ quest to fill their vacant general manager and president of hockey ops jobs has been pretty boring. HBO’s “Succession” has been much more interesting.

By the end of the upcoming holiday weekend, both succession plans may be finalized.

So forget everything you’ve heard about the candidates to fill the franchise’s vacant front office posts. Let’s focus on some prospects from the characters of “Succession” instead.

Of course, I mean whoever gets left out in the cold after the series finale Sunday night. Hey, I get it. The Penguins are in a down cycle right now, and running Waystar Royco is a lot more lucrative.

But there are only 32 of these NHL jobs in the world, and at least one of these characters will need a new gig by Monday morning.

Spoiler alert: This column contains plot points of the series that you might not want to know before watching.

Logan Roy

Pros: A titan of American industry, Roy brings decades of high-level executive experience. A true dealmaker of the highest order, he’ll bully his way through anyone trying to play tough at the negotiating table and isn’t afraid to write a big check when he sees an asset he likes.

Roy has myriad international contacts and friends in high places of ownership. He has rebuilt and turned around organizations in much worse shape than the Penguins a thousand times over.

Frankly, I think the general manager’s job is beneath Logan. I’d prefer to see him in the role of president of hockey ops. I mean, why not? Old, loud, bombastic, and loves yelling at people from the seats up above the paying customers.

Sound like anyone else who has had that job recently?

Cons: He’s a tyrannical, megalomaniacal dictator who will probably get Fenway Sports Group sued for creating a hostile workplace environment.

Also, he’s dead.

However, that doesn’t mean he’s a worse candidate than most of the names we’ve heard the past few weeks. Nor does it make him a worse option than the last guy who held the job.

Kendall Roy

Pros: Young. Smart. Has the experience, pedigree and resume for the job. He’s been groomed for this. Good with numbers. Likes the analytics.

Basically, he’s Kyle Dubas in a better suit.

Cons: The uninspired, bland, vanilla, safe pick. The miniscule track record he does have is mediocre at best.

Really is in love with his own big-picture vision of things but has trouble pushing the ball over the goal line. Has a reputation of bringing a good deal to the table, but it rarely coalesces the way he intended. Puts forth the classic image of executive leadership, but there’s always somebody around the corner who ends up dumping on him.

Again, basically, he’s Dubas in a better suit.

Oh, also, kind of a spotty driving history. Something to red flag, there.

Roman Roy

Pros: Would come right in and shake up things. Would start firing everybody on Day 1. No sacred cows. Would trade or buyout whoever needed to go. Won’t take any pushback from veteran players or a stubborn coach.

From a media perspective, the quotes would be better than Jim Rutherford on his best day.

Cons: Erratic, impulsive, inconsistent personality. May trade Sidney Crosby to Philadelphia for draft picks if No. 87 doesn’t score on opening night.

Comes off as all-powerful, but cracks under pressure. Has unhinged daddy issues and an out-of-control Napoleon complex. Those traits may lead to disaster on the draft floor and trade deadline day.

Plus, make sure no one at the league office gets a look at his phone records. That may get a little dicey.

Siobhan Roy

Pros: The perfect candidate to break through hockey’s glass ceiling and become the NHL’s first female general manager. A conniving wheeler and dealer, the old-boys’ network within the league won’t take her seriously until she walks away with exactly what she wants. Will literally screw over her own family to get what’s best for her.

Excellent under-the-table connections in Scandinavia that could prove useful as well.

Cons: Has a history of trying to play both sides of a deal and maybe overcomplicating it until it evaporates. Has developed a reputation for being a less than honest negotiator.

Also, she may want to walk back all the public drinking while pregnant. Not the best look. You know, optics n’at.

Connor Roy

No longer a candidate. Has withdrawn from consideration. Has accepted a position as general manager of a team in Slovenia.

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Logan Matsson

Pros: Swedish. Probably knows hockey. Could find the next Patric Hornqvist.

Heavy hitter. Out-of-the-box thinker. Good data tracking guy. Swings big deals. Hates Washington and New York. Would trim the fat in the front office. GoJo could become a useful platform to air games if things go south with AT&T SportsNet.

Throws a great party for the team retreat.

Cons: Plays fast and loose with his numbers. Might get the Pens in cap-compliance problems. Like FSG, also has a soccer team that may be a bigger priority.

The blood fetish thing and the recreational drug experimentation might be a problem.

Tom Wambsgans

Pros: Looks good on paper. Classic management background. Very comfortable in the corporate world. Media polished. Appears ready for the next step up the corporate ladder. Willful conduit to carry the company message. Would literally go to jail for his bosses.

Cons: Typical, anonymous, bean-counter FSG hire. Not an independent thinker. Just an empty-suit, button-pusher for ownership.

Plus, his right-wing political agenda will become a frequent target for the NHL’s left-leaning mainstream hockey media.

Greg Hirsch

Pros: Cousin Greg is nothing but a feckless, middle-management doofus that Mike Sullivan can push around as he runs the team from the bench.

Cons: Spineless, talentless, muckety-muck who managed to somehow fall upward toward the top of the corporate pyramid.

But probably at least smart enough that he never would’ve traded for Mikael Granlund.